“I’m reading a book by Brene Brown on vulnerability and I want to be more vulnerable.”
“I want to be more vulnerable with my partner but I get scared.”
“I’m trying to feel my feelings but I shut down because it’s too vulnerable.”
I often hear this kind of sharing from clients doing therapy with me. Learning about and exploring vulnerability seems to have become a positive trend but what does it really mean?
To me, vulnerability is a process and there’s layers or steps to it. Step one is even admitting that as humans we’re all inherently vulnerable. This is a big step for some. The “system of resistance”, as it’s called in ISTDP, has done a very good job in some people of covering up that basic fact of reality. Once through that layer, another step can emerge of becoming more conscious of our vulnerability and, our reactions to it, in our daily lives and especially in our close relationships. We may start to see that most conflicts we get into have to do with resisting our own vulnerability and/or someone else’s. Starting to open up more – in ourselves and with each other – is vulnerable. Recently, there seems to be more openness to talking about vulnerability with each other. That’s another big step for many. There’s more permission to explore and share about our vulnerability on an intellectual level, in our conversations. As we go through this process, there’s the option of taking the enormous step of doing vulnerability with each other. This step can be when the system of resistance – that combination of anxiety and defenses – kicks in the strongest and we have our work cut out for us. The resistant part of us tries to fight off the cracking open that happens in our bodies when we let ourself do vulnerability. It is without a doubt a painful process. And, if we can bear it long enough, it’s also exquisitely beautiful, connecting, freeing, and healing.
