This is How Positive Change Happens…
True Sharing, True Acknowledgement
“If your partner has never shown that he or she deeply feels your emotional pain, the pain will remain alive. No logical conversation will fix the hurt. There needs to be an emotional repair of what happened. In order to heal the wound, you need to be able to feel that your partner really cares and feels the hurt that was caused. You may need to open your own heart and share your pain to help your partner understand the impact of the hurt. It is only when your partner is able to communicate how deeply sorry he or she is for what was said or done, that you can start to let go of the hurt, and trust again. Only then can you begin to believe that your partner will be there for you in the future. Only then can your emotional injury begin to heal, and the way toward renewed closeness be opened”.
~ from Hans Beihl, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist
When I read the above this morning, it resonated with me so deeply. I felt compelled to share its truthful and healing message with you.
In my own relationship and in my work with couples, I find the process of true emotional repair from hurt that Beihl describes so well to be true over and over again. Sometimes, when we hurt our partner, we know we have. It’s a moment of true love when we stop and offer an acknowledgement and an apology to our partner as soon as possible. For example, we might say, “I know I just hurt you. I’m really sorry. I’ll do my best not to do that again”. The giving and the receiving of that apology is very healing for both people involved.
Sometimes, in order to really recover from a painful moment or a fight, we need to bring attention to our hurt and courageously express ourselves with vulnerability to our partner. We might say something like, “I feel hurt by…Can you please help me?”. We can just let the hurt be there. We don’t need to act tough and cover it up with anger or attack. We don’t need to ignore it and pretend it’s not there. We don’t need to go into a big long story about it (which might veer off into saying something hurtful to our partner). We can speak from our hearts to our partners and share that we feel hurt.
When our partner has the courage to come to us and tell us that they feel hurt by something we have done (or not done), we can do our best to receive the gift they are giving us. They care enough to tell us. We can take a deep breath, show up, drop our defenses, and allow our hearts to open and feel their pain. We can say something like, “Thank you for telling me. I’m really sorry I triggered hurt in you by…It makes sense that would hurt you. I will do my best not to do that again”. We can then offer a hug, breathe together, and move forward in more security, strength, and closeness. In this way, we really show we love each other.
Couples Therapy | Emotional Healing
