This is How Positive Change Happens…
Want to communicate better? Try these five ways to improve your communication and quality of connection.
1. When you feel appreciation toward someone, share it liberally! Research has shown (Gottman) that relationships benefit enormously from the giving and receiving of lots of appreciation and the receiving of an appreciation or a “thank you” is just as important as the giving of it.
Example:
Person A: “I really appreciate you showing up for me today when I was having a hard time. Thank you.” [expressed with warmth and eye contact]
Person B: “You’re welcome. Of course. I’m glad you reached out to me.”
2. Share your mixed feelings. Have you noticed we often feel mixed feelings towards people we’re close with? It’s a normal part of being close with someone. Sometimes, we try to fight off the fact that we feel mixed feelings especially if they’re the so-called “negative” feelings like annoyance/irritation/anger/disgust. But when we’re not honest with ourselves about our mixed feelings towards someone, we get more anxious. Then our defenses like self-criticism, lashing out, and/or distancing kick in too. When we admit our mixed feelings, we tend to relax and feel more grounded. When we share our mixed feelings directly with that person, we tend to feel more relieved and paradoxically, closer and more connected.
Example:
Person A: “When you show up 30 minutes late, I feel mad at you and I’m glad you’re here now.” Person B: “Thank you for telling me. That makes sense. I’m sorry I’m late. I’ll do my best to be on time.
3. Give a good apology when need be. When we’re aware we’ve hurt someone, we feel remorse or guilt. That’s a good sign. If we can tolerate that feeling long enough, it’ll motivate out to reach out, apologize, and repair. That’s an incredibly helpful process. To learn more about how to give a good apology, read my HuffPost article:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-give-a-good-apology_us_57785817e4b0ad1e7bfef5ab
4. Ask an entirely new question. Is there a good question you’ve never asked your partner, parent, sibling, friend, or child before? What would it be like to get curious, or continue to get curious, about the people in your life? How much more is there to know about the people in your life? How would that change how you connect? How would that change your relationships if you let yourself ask good questions and listened to the answers they may choose to share with you?
Example:
Person A: “What was it like for you growing up?” or “Who did you feel good around at school today?” or “What do you most want to do together this weekend?”
Person B: “Wow, thanks for asking. Well…”
5. Experiment with giving up shoulding. I’m pretty sure nobody really likes being told they “should” or “should not” do something. There’s something about shoulding ourselves and others that’s invasive, controlling, and just downright inaccurate.
“You should read this book!” Really? Should I? How do you know? The fact is that person liked that book. That’s great. But that doesn’t mean I should read it. I’d much rather hear about what they liked so much about that book and then maybe, I’ll be inspired to read it. Or not.
Shoulding ourselves and others also gets in the way of knowing and feeling what we actually want to do or not do. That’s a problem with significant consequences such as impairing our ability to make good decisions and reach our most valued goals in our lives.
Shoulding can also erode our relationships because it’s a barrier to authentically connecting with each other. When we’re telling someone what they should or shouldn’t do, we’re not inquiring about or hearing what they actually want to do or who they actually are.
So, I invite you to give up should. See what happens. Find out more about what you and others actually want.
Examples:
From saying to yourself “I should exercise today” to “Do I want to exercise today? Yes, I do. I’m going to do it before 7pm.”
Person A: “You should sign up for a 30-day challenge at my yoga studio. It’s so good!”
Person B: “I’m not sure yet if that’s what I want to do. I’ll think about it. I want to make sure I do what I really want to do.”
If you want, experiment with these five communication tips. Notice any changes that happen in you and your relationships. Feel free to contact me to share any of your results!
I’m here to work with you, as an individual or as a couple, to take a deeper dive into working through any obstacles you may have to better communication and connection.
