How to Deal with Your Emotions

This is How Positive Change Happens… When people initially contact me to do counselling and therapy, they often say: “I want to work on how to deal with my emotions”. That’s a worthwhile goal because our emotions are a hugely significant part of our lives and they can definitely be hard to deal with. The first step I offer is a different view of our emotions: Maybe our emotions don’t need to be dealt with. What they do need is more willingness to be worked with rather than against or suppressed. How do we do that? We can choose to practice – over and over again – accepting, validating, and tolerating our emotions. Not just a little. Not in a way that’s immediately followed by quickly moving on to bigger and better (and less unpleasant) things. Our emotions such as anger, sadness, and fear need to be identified, accepted, connected with, and tolerated. This process can be really challenging. In theory, it might make sense. Doing it can be monumental. It takes a lot of courage, effort, and support for us to accurately identify what we’re actually feeling, deep down, and then to accept it and validate it. When we try to do so, our defense mechanisms often block us from feeling our emotional pain. They fire so rapidly we sometimes don’t even know it’s happening.  For example, when connecting with an emotion or a feeling like anger or sadness, after a second or two, we may find ourselves saying something like “I feel like my partner/parent thinks I’m…”. Once we do that, we’re no longer dealing with our actual...

My Top 10 Books for Positive Change

This is How Positive Change Happens… I often get asked for book recommendations which is great because reading and learning is an important part of positive change and growth. Including reading books in the counselling or therapy process is called “bibliotherapy”, a fun word and one that’s not used much because it sounds kind of clinical or even, pretentious. Here’s my Top 10 Books for Positive Change (these are in no particular order): When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron Hold Me Tight or Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab about What Women Really Want by Drs. John and Julie Gottman with Douglas Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams The Mindful Teen: Powerful Skills to Help You Handle Stress One Moment at a Time by Dr. Dzung Vo (this is not just helpful for teens) Curiosity Killed the Caterpillar by Tamara Skjolden How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys for Mindful Loving by David Richo Poetry by Mary Oliver, Rumi, Hafez, David Whyte, Thich Nhat Hanh, Pablo Neruda, or whatever moves you & a variety of fiction too! Also, in recognition that we also learn through video/audio, here’s two of my favourite videos ever (and they’re less...

Going for a Small Goal

This is How Positive Change Happens… Whether I like it or not, as a New Year approaches I find myself grappling with the possibility of participating in the popular cultural phenomena of crafting a “new year’s resolution” or not. This year I decided to participate but with a different approach than usual – different for myself and the general cultural trend. I decided to go for a small goal. A really small goal. Here’s an except from my HuffPost article, Going for a Small Goal: Over the past couple of weeks when I started – somewhat reluctantly – reflecting on my “new year’s resolutions” and my “goals for 2017”, I started to wonder about the potential power in going with a small goal. Really small. Yet, a tiny behaviour that affects the quality of my daily life. I find I’m increasingly skeptical about big, lofty goals. I’ve noticed those types of goals tend to set us up for failure and that doesn’t feel good. Of course, I’ve got my big goals like most people and I’m working on them to varying degrees. I was also longing for a small goal I could see and feel success with in a consistent way and preferably, immediate way. go here to read more: Going for a Small Goal...

Tools That Help You Learn To Meditate

This is How Positive Change Happens… When I work with people in individual counselling or couples counselling in Vancouver or via skype, I often hear requests for “tools.” That makes so much sense.  We need tools to be able to achieve our goals in life whether that’s better communication or to feel more relaxed. Many people also tell me they “want to learn to meditate.” I always think “That’s a good idea” when I hear that because I know from my own experience that meditation brings many benefits and serves to improve our emotional and physical well-being as well as our relationships. In order to support the requests of “more tools” and the aspiration of “I want to learn to meditate,” I want to pass onto you an excellent new tool that makes it very accessible to learn and practice meditation. It’s a book called The Mindful Teen created by my colleague, Dr. Dzung Vo. This resource helps us to develop mindfulness in our daily lives whether we’re teens or older. Dr. Vo gives us tools to help us slow down, connect more deeply, restore ourselves, be more present, and live more compassionately. To learn more, go to The Mindful Teen website: mindfulnessforteens.com You may also want to try some of the really good quality guided meditations Dr. Vo offers on his website (most are less than 5 min long and there’s also a 30 min Body Scan meditation). In my work with people in counselling, I often recommend using tools such as the guided meditations Dr. Vo offers to support progress on other goals like anger management, stress...